i am my investment

i am my investment.  so sometimes, it’s hard not to take things personally.  i have chosen a life, which i have been living by my own means for the last five years now, working on farms, learning, sweating, loving, for few dollars, or in some cases, no dollars.  i am my investment, and so everything i do has just been…an education, an experience, a practice for when ‘i become a farmer’, ‘when i have my own farm’…or what?

i think i am a farmer.  but when do i get BE the farmer.  i’ve always been tired of the complaints of people who can’t find or afford land, mostly because i usually think, ‘where there’s a will there’s a way’, and mostly in my life, that seems to be true.

but what about ownership?  when do i get to stop ‘learning lessons’ for later, and when do i start my failures and mistakes on my own.  i need ownership.  i need to call the shots.  i need something that is mine.  i have the tools now, i have been carefully, frugally, been putting tools into my toolbox for years now.  but i have no money.  what does my sweat equity get me?

i can feel my body getting older.  my hands ache at night and in the morning i struggle to straighten them.  i’ve started doing sit ups in the morning in hopes to help with the ache in my back-it hasn’t helped yet.  i have been flexible all my life and i’m finding it harder and harder to touch my toes.

and it scares me.  because i wonder where it has gotten me?  have i just given away my body to all these other farms?  other dreams?  what happens when, or if, i ever do get my own farm?  my own project? my own land?  will i even able to work it?  what if my body gives out before than and i have to find another line of work.  will this lifestyle be a distant memory and some nice photographs?

i need to get my farm established now so i don’t have to pull as many weeds when i’m older, but have established beds that hardly grow weeds.  or to have gotten far enough to be able to purchase implements to weed my rows, or hire employees to do the weeding.

i have shown mostly the good in farming here, and the good in this life i have chosen to lead.  and i don’t mean this to be discouraging, but this is my space, and this is what i’m feeling.

now do i ask you for land?  do i ask if you know a farm i can farm?  would you be willing to invest financially in me so i can purchase land?  can this blog be my credit score?  proof that i know what i’m doing-or at least try to figure things out, that i work hard, and that this world we live in needs more of this, needs…me?!

i did not expect to write about this, today or any other day.  i prefer pictures to words, usually.  but i just can’t shake some words from yesterday, the way my judgement is questioned, making my efforts seem belittled.

i think farming is good.  this life is good.  i don’t see why we can’t all work together.  i want to be a farmer.  i also need it, in some way, to be my own.

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6 thoughts on “i am my investment

  1. do you get htis email? i hope…

    courtney! i love you! i love reading your words … please keep sharing. please just no matter what, keep going…;) that’s all we can know to do for sure…

    just had a show and a long work weekend otherwise…bent over way to much times 100…..and i can hardly move…. also low paying gig, did it for the fun, to share the love!, and for the inspiration… yes also more tools in my box at this point….but they are getting heavy too at this point, and i am also wondering where they will all be going eventually…and feeling ‘like this’ sore and questioning….can really burn a person’s life light out, fading, dull, worried…it’s not monday anymore and i am supposed to have bounced back like all the others by now….

    anyways, we keep on keepin on, adjusting and re adjusting our style but not our purpose…or well, maybe that too but you know , the core is the core!

    …. at any rate, never deny to yourself some deep breaths and some relaxation which is so so key, i am trying…. but yeah, for myself, i guess, it is easier to give this advice to others– i know the pain of overdoing it…i am trying to figure out my flow, but also knowing it takes time and i need to just be open….to new ways and leave my plans flexible! always!

    by the way, sit ups kinds of suck;) and i think there are better excersizes for a woman’s mind body and soul, just sayin;) don’t hurt yourself….save it for the little plant babies…lol…

    thinking of you……

    sorry a bit of a ramble…! but you know me, and this just really got me going… likei said i love to hear your thoughts, i’m sorry i’ve been out of touch…and again….thank you, thank you for sharing your thoughts and visions and pains— we are all in this together…. love you,

    eva

  2. Eva, thank you for your words. as i was thinking about all i wrote, in the hour or so since i wrote this, i think the thing is…i feel a lack of motivation for my ‘job’. i have my first hourly paying farm job, and it’s great…but i feel no need to put in anymore than eight hours a day. i’m also starting a few projects on the side, which i’m trying to save/give my time, energy for. and my ‘commitment’ was questioned, i felt, and also my willingness to ‘give it all’. but the thing is, i’m not willing to give that much to anything that’s not, ‘mine’, at this point i guess.

    and i know this is all so vague, but also, i know you can relate, because you are also living your passion, and yes, it that show was tiring, but at this point, would you do that for someone else, even if they paid you?

    yes, sore and questioning, on a rainy day. not a great feeling. i’ve been doing yoga for the back but its not just helping. sit ups are no fun…but i thought maybe some ‘core’ strengthening would balance out the back muscles. its just like a kink i can’t get out, and every time i bend its like, ‘hey!!!!’

    there are great days, times, moments, and i guess they must be balanced by other times. just riding this one through. hopefully to grow forward from this.

    thank you for your words.

  3. I fully understand where you are coming from. I think many of us reach a point where we can’t continue to invest unless it’s investing in ourselves. I think you are right though, and where there is a will, there is a way. There are some great crowd funding tools out there, and with some determination, creativity and relentless self promotion, they can make things happen! If there is a way I can use my blog and my smallish following to help, I will in a heartbeat!

    • Thanks Bea! I know you are working hard to make your things happen too!! I know I need to stay positive and it WILL happen. just had a dark cloud over me for a second there! But ya’all sent me some light and the sky is blue again, (literally, actually!!! the sun is out again!) Thanks for staying connected!

  4. It saddens me greatly to know that the dreams we pursue are not always as profitable as we expect them to be. At least, not in the way we want. I’m still unsure of what I want to do with my life, but I’ve decided that the most important thing to me is that I want to love what I’m doing so I can do it wholeheartedly. I’m sorry you’re going though this, and I really hope you do find a farm of your own. If I run across anything, I’ll certainly let you know. In the meantime, please do keep posting! I really love hearing and seeing what’s going on with you!

  5. Thank you Anne. Yes, when I work from my heart, I always find the greatest reward! It’s a good thing to keep going for. It’s always the other things that get in the way. Thank you for following my journey, your encouragement will keep me posting, and going forward. Knowing there are others struggling to find a way to continue to work from their heart-we are so lucky to feel that-certainly makes me hopeful we will find our way, because at least, we are trying! And I’d certainly be happy to hear of anything you come across.

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