i am my investment. so sometimes, it’s hard not to take things personally. i have chosen a life, which i have been living by my own means for the last five years now, working on farms, learning, sweating, loving, for few dollars, or in some cases, no dollars. i am my investment, and so everything i do has just been…an education, an experience, a practice for when ‘i become a farmer’, ‘when i have my own farm’…or what?
i think i am a farmer. but when do i get BE the farmer. i’ve always been tired of the complaints of people who can’t find or afford land, mostly because i usually think, ‘where there’s a will there’s a way’, and mostly in my life, that seems to be true.
but what about ownership? when do i get to stop ‘learning lessons’ for later, and when do i start my failures and mistakes on my own. i need ownership. i need to call the shots. i need something that is mine. i have the tools now, i have been carefully, frugally, been putting tools into my toolbox for years now. but i have no money. what does my sweat equity get me?
i can feel my body getting older. my hands ache at night and in the morning i struggle to straighten them. i’ve started doing sit ups in the morning in hopes to help with the ache in my back-it hasn’t helped yet. i have been flexible all my life and i’m finding it harder and harder to touch my toes.
and it scares me. because i wonder where it has gotten me? have i just given away my body to all these other farms? other dreams? what happens when, or if, i ever do get my own farm? my own project? my own land? will i even able to work it? what if my body gives out before than and i have to find another line of work. will this lifestyle be a distant memory and some nice photographs?
i need to get my farm established now so i don’t have to pull as many weeds when i’m older, but have established beds that hardly grow weeds. or to have gotten far enough to be able to purchase implements to weed my rows, or hire employees to do the weeding.
i have shown mostly the good in farming here, and the good in this life i have chosen to lead. and i don’t mean this to be discouraging, but this is my space, and this is what i’m feeling.
now do i ask you for land? do i ask if you know a farm i can farm? would you be willing to invest financially in me so i can purchase land? can this blog be my credit score? proof that i know what i’m doing-or at least try to figure things out, that i work hard, and that this world we live in needs more of this, needs…me?!
i did not expect to write about this, today or any other day. i prefer pictures to words, usually. but i just can’t shake some words from yesterday, the way my judgement is questioned, making my efforts seem belittled.
i think farming is good. this life is good. i don’t see why we can’t all work together. i want to be a farmer. i also need it, in some way, to be my own.